Deconstructing Pop Culture

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I Know the “Real Reason” Why “The Police” Reunited and Now Are on Tour

August 7th, 2007 by David Kronemyer · 1 Comment

The rock band “The Police” are in the midst of a world-wide tour. To the amazement of all, I might add, as it was far from clear the lads ever would play together again, much less sally forth to (re)conquer the planet’s sports arenas and soccer stadia. “We hate each other,” is what they as much had been saying for lo these past several decades, Fricke, D., “The Police: A Fragile Truce,” Rolling Stone (Jun. 24, 2007). And even as they tour, they continue to slag one another with alarming alacrity, Greene, A., “Police Find Groove,” Rolling Stone (Aug. 9, 2007).

But I have discerned the “real” reason for this tour. It has nothing to do with Andy Summers or Stewart Copeland, who candidly (and shamelessly) have confessed to their role as mere sidemen. Oh, I’m sure they’ve been imprecating Sting on pretty much a weekly basis to “reunite the band,” ever since they broke up. And, despite critical acclaim for their individual works, not to mention their recognized musical acumen, fact of the matter is they’ve never gained traction as solo artistes, the way Sting has. Which probably drives them crazy.

And, besides that, their bank accounts are low.

But, concern for his former confreres, even if he had any, which he doesn’t, never would be enough to motivate a Renaissance man such as Sting. He probably could care less.

Sting, however, reports to a higher authority, who is his wife, Trudie Styler. Ms. Styler is an accomplished producer and personality in her own right. Which means that she is well aware of her position in the pop culture pantheon. And if there is one thing that probably drives her crazy, it’s Posh Spice. She’s younger. To some, maybe, prettier. But her cardinal sin is, she has more money. And, more cultural cachet.

Posh Spice nee Victoria Beckham, of course, is married to David Beckham. And, according to the unimpeachable sources at Wikipedia, she happens to be the 52nd richest woman in England. Mr. Beckham recently signed a contract to play soccer with, and sell merchandise for, the L.A. Galaxy, that reportedly will pay him $250 million over five years, Johnson, G., “Beckham’s arrival rings in new era for soccer in U.S.,” Los Angeles Times (Jul. 13, 2007).

Hollywood is fascinated by that kind of revenue, even if not-so-much by the people who lasso it in. Posh-and-Beck’s (or whatever idiotic couples name the media invented for them) therefore instantly became a fixture on the L.A. party circuit, Jones, G., “Beckham and wife bring star power to Hollywood,” Los Angeles Times (Jul. 8, 2007); Eller, C., “Hollywood breathlessly awaits Beckhams,” Los Angeles Times (Jul. 19, 2007).

And this probably drove Trudie crazy. I can just hear her cawing in that pinched nasal British voice of hers, “Who is this strumpet, and how dare she aspire to such heights without my permission! Mirror mirror on the wall …” So she turns to her husband, the aforementioned Sting, and says, (a) “Get your ass out there on tour and earn some more money so we can be as rich as that tart Posh Spice (or, at least, Heather Mills)” and (b) “While you’re at it, do the best you can dear not to be so obnoxious and help us increase our social cachet so we finally can start going to some better parties.”

So, Sting places a call to his flabbergasted bandmates, and before you know it, they’re back on the road. Whether this exercise achieves its intended objective, remains to be seen.

Next up: the Spice Girls recently announced they are reforming for the purpose of undertaking a world-wide tour. We know, per above, Ms. Beckham has no need for additional fundage. And, the other Spice Girls, whomever they may be, occupy a role functionally equivalent to that played by Messrs. Summers and Copeland, in that they are poor as church mice and long ago exhausted their dim wits trying to stay in the tabloids. With the possible exception of “Scary Spice” nee Melanie Brown, who conceived the clever (and media-friendly) stratagem of conceiving Eddie Murphy’s love-child.

So, is this Posh’s clever retort to Trudie? “If you can send your husband on tour, then I can go on tour, myself!”